serene, peace, love

yeah, well, i learned a lot about you too. 

Those of you who know me in real life probably don’t I’m going through a really rough time. I joke and bitch about hating everything and when asked how I’m doing I generally answer something along the lines of okay. Honestly, I don’t know how to answer without a mental breakdown. I don’t think I know how to properly express my emotions and how to let other people help me with them. So instead I have all this anger and depression bottled up inside me an I have no idea how to get rid of it. I’m afraid to talk about it because just mentioning my mom just puts me on the verge of tears. Most of the time it’s easier for me to say nothing. A lie, of course. I can’t remember the last time I was genuinely happy. I dread getting up in the morning, it’s all I can do is make myself get up. I’m so angry and furious with the world. My family, all the people who said they cared but then stood back and let everything that has happened happen. All the fucking pieces of shit who said they would be there for me and then turned around and did some of the most horrible things to me. And I feel so damn helpless. All I want to do is tell them all how much I can’t stand them. Every time I think of my mom I just want to tell her how much I can’t help but not hate her even though she’s the one who made me feel like shit & the one who destroyed our family. I hate how she was never there for me, how I never even knew her really because she was always too fucked up on drugs to give a shit about anything or anyone really. But I can’t do anything and I don’t really have anyone to talk about this to, at least it feels this way. I just had a little breakdown today when I got home. Right now I just feel exhausted. I can’t even begin to imagine working on my homework and actually going to school tomorrow. I’m ready to graduate and move away where nobody knows my family and I don’t have people commentating. I want to be able to be a good person, not the angry, spiteful, hateful. I need a new start but that wont be for awhile. I don’t know what to do until then. I need some advice. Not pity and fake sympathy.